My Love/Hate Letter to the Two Dollar Bill

As I was scrolling youtube today, I came across one of my favorite videos of all time: Big Cat pitches his shark tank ideas to Mark Cuban. I feel like I end up watching it at least once a year and it makes me laugh every single time. One of his ideas is counterfeiting $2 bills because nobody would be able to tell the difference. Cuban shuts down the idea with the ring of his bell and pockets the cash given to him by Mr. Cat. I began to wonder at big cat's idea and quickly found myself on the third page of google reading up on the bizarre

currency. I don’t quite know what side I fall on when it comes down to it, so i’ve decided to write a love/hate letter to the two dollar bill.

“Dear two dollar bill,

I struggle to understand my own feelings towards you, as I’ve only held you a couple times. Although brief, our times together have been awesome. The first time I held you, I couldn’t believe you were real. An idea that was beyond comprehension sat in my hands, and then spent a short period in my piggy bank before I used you to fund my upcoming summer trip to the bowling alley. But before I get to the love portion of this note, we must first endure the hate together.

The truth is; I hate you two dollar bill. You make no sense to me. Why in the world would anybody need you? The google machine tells me there are 1.2 BILLION two dollar bills in existence, and they’re still being printed. If there's that many, why are they so rare to me? Why don’t I have a two dollar bill in my wallet right now? Why don’t I see more of you? Does someone have a monopoly of two dollar bills? I have no idea. But the worst part is that you slander Tommy Jefferson's name and likeness by throwing him on the back of the most worthless piece of currency in existence. The third president of our United States deserves better. I mean, I’d rather have him be on the back of that 100,000 dollar bill from that 3rd world southeast asian country that is experiencing the worst inflation in world history over you. If we created a two dollar bill, why didn’t we continue with 3 and 4? I have so many questions, and maybe that’s why I hate you. I don’t understand you. Maybe this is one of those “it’s not you, it's me” situations. And I’d love to just part ways right here, right now, but there’s something that holds me back from completely cancelling you.

Because the other truth is; I love you two dollar bill. I’m sure this love purely stems from my childhood, but the love still exists. Like a lot of things, I thought parents spoke to their children about two dollar bills as some sort of way to trick their kids. Same thing with the tooth fairy and santa. That made my excitement even better when I first laid eyes on you. I love that you give me hope for more fun in life. You’re a quirky little fella and you provide some spice to our somewhat-boring currency. Whenever my eyes glance upon you, it brings me a small sense of joy.

So, two dollar bill, I cannot cancel you. Nostalgia is a son of a bitch, and this time, it prevails over my current feelings for you. Fuck you two dollar bill. You continue to fuck with me, but I’ll give you one last chance to earn my love again. Good luck."

Love/Hate, Phil